Confessions Of A Former Spy
by Red Witch
Summary: After the events of Season Seven, Lana wonders about her rocky relationship with Archer. Mostly if it was worth it.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is in a coma. Just felt like playing around with how Lana felt after the events of Season Seven. Takes place almost immediately after Archer Hospital.**

 **Confessions Of A Former Spy **

"Do you know how lucky you are that Ron was able to convince hospital security that both Cyril and Cheryl were having seizures at the **same time**?" Ray snapped at Lana. They were sitting in a booth at a diner.

"Wasn't that hard," Lana groaned sipping her coffee. "Between Cheryl naked and screaming sploosh and Cyril looking like a puffed up bloated carcass…"

"And a few Benjamins Ron was able to slip into their pockets," Ray sighed. "Look I get that you're going through hell right now. And I get Cyril was being a colossal jackass. But beating on the man right in the middle of **a hospital**? That's bad even for us!"

"You think I don't **know** that Ray?" Lana snapped. She then started to sob a little. "God my life is a mess. How the hell did I end up **here?** "

"Just be thankful here is a diner and not a jail cell this time," Ray told her.

"Tell me about it," Lana groaned. "One minute the asshole is getting me arrested. The next he's getting himself killed trying to save me. It's like…I don't know **how** I feel anymore. I mean Archer and I have our problems but…I never thought he would be **that big** a jerk to me! And then he goes and…"

"Just when I think our lives can't get any more dramatic," Ray groaned. "Or weirder."

"First **you** go into a coma and nearly die," Lana groaned. "Then nine months later Archer nearly dies and goes into a coma. It's like…It's not like I haven't seen a lot of death and destruction but…"

"It's closer to home than you want to admit," Ray pointed out.

"I don't know **what** I feel or how I feel anymore," Lana sighed. "Don't ever tell anyone I said this. But when that robot Archer malfunctioned. A tiny part of me was actually **relieved** that it was the robot proposing and not really Archer. Until I realized that the real Archer was floating shot in the pool. Then I felt guilty about being a little relieved and then…"

"Lana, your boyfriend was being a giant dick hole," Ray told her. "And not just figuratively. Of course you're going to be angry with him. What you **shouldn't** have done was play his stupid game in the first place."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh come on Lana!" Ray groaned. "What do you **think** I mean? Trying to seduce Ellis Crane? So you could tick off Archer? I **warned you** that plan was going to backfire in your face and look what happened! I don't want to say I told you so…"

"But you just did," Lana gave him a look.

Ray went on. "Of course Archer was going to go after Veronica Deane like a vagina seeking missile! It's what he **does**! You never should have suggested the break. That's like a fox challenging a wolf to a Who Can Eat The Most Sheep contest! The wolf is going to win! Plain and simple!"

"So what the hell was I **supposed** to do Ray?" Lana barked. "He was drooling all over that woman! I couldn't take it!"

"What you should have done was tighten the leash instead of letting him run free all over the park!" Ray said. "I told you months ago you should sit down with that man and let him know in no uncertain terms how you feel and you're not going to put up with it anymore."

"I tried that Ray!" Lana protested. "Have **you** ever tried talking to Archer about something serious? **Anything** serious? Hello?!"

"It is rather like talking to a pop culture obsessed goldfish," Ray conceded. "But playing games like that only leads to disaster! God help me I didn't think it would end up **this** big a disaster."

"Even by Archer's standards this is bad," Lana groaned. "So what do I do **now** Ray? Just sit around and wait for Archer to **literally** come to his senses? I don't know what to do! I don't even know if I can do that!"

"Do you still love him?"

"Yes," Lana groaned. "Yes…But…I don't know if I can keep doing this level of crazy. I just don't know…"

"Listen to me girl," Ray told her as he held her hand. "Listen to Ray. Right now your head is in no condition to think. Take some time off. Give yourself some space. For all we know Archer could be up and about in a few weeks. I would use this time to think about what **you want**. And what's best for **you**. Got it?"

"Got it," Lana let out a breath.

"And **when** Archer wakes up," Ray said. "You'd better sit that man down and have a long honest talk with him. Even if you have to tie him up and make him listen. Who knows? Maybe this will be the thing that will make him realize how stupid he was? Change his ways once and for all?"

"Somehow I doubt it," Lana groaned. "Is it bad that part of me is **glad** that Archer is in a coma? That he actually got what he **deserved** for how he treated me?"

"In this case, no," Ray shook his head. "No, it is not."

"Yeah it is Archer after all," Lana sighed. "Even if he is AJ's…Oh God. AJ! How am I going to tell her about **this?** "

"Don't tell her anything yet," Ray said. "She's too young to process this. Hell, I'm not sure that I'm old enough to process this."

"My life is such a mess right now," Lana groaned. "I'm an unlicensed PI that was a former failed spy with a cheating baby daddy in a coma. Shot by his greedy movie star lover."

"I'm sure there's a country music song in there somewhere," Ray quipped.

"It feels like my heart is ripped in two," Lana said. "Yes I feel horrible that Archer is in a coma. I love the man. He's the father of my child. My possible soulmate. On the other hand…"

"He got you arrested and slept with Veronica Deane," Ray nodded. "I get it."

"So you don't think I'm a horrible person?"

"No, I don't," Ray said.

"I'm just so **angry** at him," Lana said, her voice hardening. "I'm angry at him for being such a colossal asshole. I'm angry at him for sleeping with Veronica Deane. I'm angry at him for throwing me out to the cops because he thought it was **funny**. I'm angry at him for not taking our relationship seriously enough. And I'm angry because the idiot got himself nearly killed for…"

"Well he wouldn't have been in that position if he hadn't treated you so badly in the **first place,** " Ray pointed out.

"I know…" Lana sighed. "And I feel angry at myself for…A lot of things. I just wish…Damn it!"

"You're angry and upset," Ray said. "It's okay to feel that way you know?"

"I know!" Lana sighed. "So what now?"

"Damned if I know," Ray sighed. "Speaking as someone who was in a coma for a short while I was glad somebody was there waiting for me. Even if it was on a party bus."

Lana thought a minute. "Do you…Remember **anything** about being in a coma?"

"Not much," Ray admitted. "Feelings mostly. I think I dreamed something but I can't really remember much of it now. I'm pretty sure part of it was a nightmare about me turning into a Terminator. But the rest…A lot of it is a blank."

"So what do we do now?" Lana asked. "Just sit around and wait for Archer to wake up?"

"We still have the agency," Ray pointed out. "Such as it is. We just don't have Archer to screw around with for a while."

"Literally and figuratively," Lana groaned. "Our agency is now smack dab in a scandal with Veronica Deane and the murder of Ellis Crane. How long do you think the Figgis Agency is going to last?"

"Honestly I'm amazed we made it this long," Ray admitted. "Oh Dukes! We are in the middle of a scandal with Veronica Deane and Ellis Crane. And you know how the press is…"

"It's only a matter of time before we're all in the news," Lana groaned. "Damn it!"

"Oh Ms. Archer is gonna **love** that!" Ray groaned. "Then again this is Ms. Archer we're talking about. She might just find a way to milk this for her to get a buck. It's happened before."

"I would not put it past her," Lana sighed.

"Neither would I," Ray admitted. "Okay let's think about our current situation. Archer is in a coma. We are in the middle of a scandal featuring two of Hollywood's more well-known stars. And we are the only two field agents in a PI firm."

"Unlicensed field agents," Lana pointed out.

"Yeah but I was able to get a few hours on the side," Ray sighed. "That's one thing we need to work on. Getting hours for our licenses. If we can and our agency doesn't close within the first few weeks of this thing."

"Well I had at least ten hours doing consulting work put down before this blew up in our face," Lana sighed. "Still only a drop in the bucket."

"We may need to think about back up plans," Ray groaned. "Damn it. I knew I should have taken that online bartending licensing test when I had the chance."

"It's not going to get that bad is it?" Lana asked.

"This is **us** remember?" Ray gave her a look. "Anything that can go wrong has! Murphy's Law has nothing on us!"

"They should rename it Archer's Law," Lana rolled her eyes. "Great that's all he needs. 'I'm a law now Lana!' Ugh! As if his ego wasn't bad enough."

"Damn," Ray looked out the window. "Sun's coming up already. Want breakfast?"

"I'm not that hungry," Lana admitted.

"You need to eat girl," Ray said. "And I'm not leaving you alone so soon after this."

"More like you want me to pay for your meal."

"You mooched **two meals** off me this week," Ray pointed out. "Oh all right we'll make it three. I could go for an omelet."

"Me too," Lana admitted. "God my babysitter is making a fortune off of me."

"Maybe we can get Cyril to hire her?" Ray quipped. "That way he could pay for AJ's daycare."

"I don't think I'd get that lucky," Lana sighed.

They called over the waitress and ordered their food and some coffee refills. "Damn," Lana sighed as she looked out the window. "What a night."

"I gotta ask something," Ray said. "If that robot wasn't a robot…But the **real** Archer. Would you have said yes?"

"I don't think the real Archer would **ever** propose…" Lana began. "No, that's not true. He would. He has. I turned him down before. But this time I…I don't know. Maybe I would have? I don't know. Part of me thinks I might have turned him down again. And the other half would have gladly…I honestly don't know now."

"Like I said take some time to think about it," Ray told her. "For all we know Archer won't be in a coma for a long. Hell knowing that asshole he could be up and about the next morning hitting on nurses and asking for a scotch IV."

"He **has** done that before," Lana smiled for a moment. Then she stopped. "But I don't think he will this time. I have a bad feeling that this time it's going to take Archer longer than a week to get out of this one."

"He was shot several times in the gut and drowned," Ray grumbled. "Even Archer can't bounce back from that one that fast."

"I don't know what I'd do if he died Ray…" Lana admitted. "I just…If he just died I think I'd be lost."

"Well I guess you have your answer then," Ray said.

"I guess I do," Lana sighed. "I am still going to beat his ass black and blue when he wakes up."

"That's your relationship in a nutshell," Ray snorted as he shook his head. "One minute you're screwing, next minute you're killing each other."

"I'm starting to think I may actually need to see a therapist or something," Lana rolled her eyes.

"Good luck with finding one specializing in former spies," Ray groaned. "And if you do find one, give me his or her name. I could use one too."


End file.
